cindersendwords

2005-08-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

three stanzas of Pablo Neruda's "If You Forget Me"

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

north of here

2005-06-19T03:42:00.000-07:00

braid the arctic sky with anise stars
it would reach sea and ground,

like midnight hair and the starless blue
where, to gather and feel what wind

shall meet their icy fate
as the night lingers on and forever on.

NORTH OF HERE
18vi05

THE BOY AND THE STAR

2005-06-19T03:41:00.001-07:00

falls, the night
where on the grass, you lay

of wine poured over
the drowning lands, it has not

seen the sun , felt its warmth
and you, curled like an infant,

you cowered
from stars now hung from unseen strings

glittering fragments of heavens
afraid to touch your skin,

to dream of black
but I to you, of long-starved shine

a lonesome star
laid down from my journey

to find the end with you
before sky goes back up,

and I, no more a star,
but a stone, a fading stone

in your hands.

THE BOY AND THE STAR

18vi05

YELLOW BRICK ROADS

2005-06-19T03:41:00.000-07:00

Where have you been
strange little boy
where have you taken my words
you left an empty hole
where my heart used to beat
and I couldn’t find my way back to
Emerald City.

what do they look like,
these words, there are words,
yours and mine,
are they winged, ready to flee,
swift and flapping
once uttered and freed
are they blood stained,
they, swords and daggers
that know our flesh,
know us,
are they fire,
are they water
do they mirror
nothing but their own
quick demise.

how shall I find you
when next you leave
what face shall appear
in my dreams
the ringlets in your hair,
and the parting of lips
the eyes, they froze
our secrets and hopes
that live and die
carry your smile
and watch the stars
as they write our past
in the fading of shine.
where before stars are born,
there are new pages for us to write in,
our Dorothys and scarecrows
the tip
tap
clip
clap
and the sound of your laugh.

your words are strange,
strange little boy,
they walk so far apart
or is it me
I can hardly keep up,
I listen not,
I listen much
there are spaces and spaces
all the in-between places
all I hear ,they all I hear
as winds whip past my face.

where have you been
strange little boy
do you carry still
the smiles of long ago
do you keep the silence
running wild in your heart
where voices dwell
and battles start,
do you carry still
the dreams that live
give them sparks and names.

do not fear names,
unnamed things fade,
unnamed things flame
but end comes end
and whispers mend
the wounds that
bore your leaving.

I come to see you,
I come to know,
there are things of old,
and things quite new,
strange little boy,
with your quiet wit
and laughing strangeness,
I see,
I will find,
wher eyou have gone,
where I have gone,
when the ruby red slippers
might lead us home.

YELLOW BRICK ROADS
june 12 05

THE OLD WOMAN AT THE CEMETERY

2005-06-19T03:40:00.001-07:00

for she is an old woman
just an old gal, she says,
sitting at the end, at the bus stop
on wind-chilled concrete.
they see her frocks of woollen gray
and delicate square-shaped glasses,
they see her fragile past,
on the slight curving of her back,
on the kind, open smile
and her eyes that
wear sadness and beauty
still, such beauty
for she is an old woman,
yes, I am, she says,
but I had cream skin too
and a face without lines,
I had an angel's smile
and the stubborn, violent
anger of the storm.
and I did not sit all my days
on wind-chilled concrete,
I did not always bring
flowers to his grave,
and I did not always
see the patched ground
beside where his bones lay,
thinking, wondering,
waiting out the lasts
of my life.

THE OLD WOMAN AT THE CEMETERY

18vi05

2005-06-19T03:40:00.000-07:00

Word of caution. This is a long read. NOt for the light at heart.
After work thursday,I was supposed to do some shopping for a few personal items. I should have known that plan would be shot. I was walking along COrso Buenos Aires!!!One of the most famous shopping districts in the whole of Milano. SO there I was, just walking along, running the list through my head - shampoo, bath soap, cream, floss, body oil, toothpaste, you get the drift. I hardly noticed the many summer treats displayed by the windows of Scoop, Zara, Celio - hardly paid a glance when suddenly - WHAM!!! Like I was hypnotized, mesmerized, placed under a spell, five seconds later saw me at the Cassa (cashier) shelling out fifteen euro with a little song in my heart and a jig to my steps. I didn’t even know what store it was (La Feltrinelli, it was) but I left it with a small paper bag in hand, thinking, "Who needs shaving cream?!? I got what I NEED."
So what was it?

…smirk…

.

How I've been has been kind of a gray area to family and friends. "I'm okay" and "im doing alright" doesn’t really give one a whole picture, huh, I know. BUt I cant really describe how I am in detail. I cant. I've never been able to. I don’t know where to begin.
This is the point of this…shall I call it, exorcism.
I guess I should begin with how I was, how I came to be how I am as of this moment.
So…WHEN do I exactly begin. That's the thinker.

track 9. FALLIN TO PIECES

Pray you don't
lose your place
dead of night
underway

all your days
pass you by
sun will rise
on your lonely lonely nights

pray you sleep tonight
pray just a little
when every little thing
starts fallin to pieces

take my hand
fall in place
soul inside
it shows in every line
that’s on your face

stay with me tonight
stay im gonna need ya when
every little thing
starts fallin to pieces

ya been around town
take it down now
why is it the ones you love
that make it all so hard on you
then you let it all fall behind
and in the back of your mind
you feel my loving stare
you think you might be saved

tell me that you want someone beside you
tell me that you want to see this through
tell me all the times that ive been loving you
you love me, love me too.

MAY 2004

It started I guess when a precious friend spent bum time in Lipa. It had been high-profile and low-profile with our friendshipthe last couple of years and so the time was spent wisely (other people might contest this) on gallons of beer, more gallons of coffee, pack after pack of cigarettes (dragon mouths, we were called), movies, nights, music , grilled cheese sandwiches and talk,talk, talk, talk and more talk.
I am a pretty hard person to crack. My surface is brittle and steelhard, what with all my the barriers and walls put up on account of years and years of crushed hopes and failed relationships. Consider my surprise when this person got to me .
It was one night under the clock at Big Ben. I had freefallen into deep-infatuation-crazed-what-the -freak-are -you- thinking-shit.
But there it was.
Of course, as all infatuations go, or I should say end, I only had to look twice and see that the person was (and still, is) one of the most important people in my life and that the treasure lay in the friendship we have.
I only had to look a third time, this one, right into where my heart lay. And I knew I was in bigger trouble than I had thought. I had actually fallen first for an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON whom I knew I couldn’t fall in love with, because this person, PERSON B (dragon mouth, let's call him PERSON A) was head over heels in love with another, and I was freakin scared of these ultimately real emotions that I transferred said emotions to Person A. I'm not saying though that falling for Person A is completely out of sight, because it's not, Person A has been a secret attraction for quite some time. It just so happened that at that period, PersonA got caught into the whole confusion over PersonB. WHEW!!! Oh yeah, I'm a nutter, in case you're wondering. I could give Psych grads the thesis of their careers!
I was…fallin to pieces, yes.
So how'd it end up?
PersonA remains to be the treasure in my eyes, and who knows what else the future has in store for both of us.
And PersonB?
Oh, youll be meeting each other pretty soon.

track 3. EVER THE SAME

We were drawn from the weeds,
we were brave like soldiers,
falling down under the pale moonlight
you were holding to me
like a someone broken
and I couldn’t tell you but im telling you now

just let me hold you while youre falling apart
just let me hold you so we'll both fall down

fall on me
tell me everything you want me to be
forever with you forever in me
ever the same

we would stand in the wind
we were free like water
flowing down,
under the warmth of the sun
now it's cold and we're scared
and we've both been shaken
look at us man,
this doesn’t need to be the end

just let me hold you while youre falling apart
just let me hold you so we'll both fall down

fall on me
tell me everything you want me to be
forever with you forever in me
ever the same
call on me
ill be there for you and youll be there for me
forever it's you forever in me
ever the same

you may need me there
to carry all your weight
but you're no burden I assure
you tide me over
with a warmth ill not forget
but I can only give you love

April, May, June, July, August 2004

BAckrgound. I fell for PersonB right? Scared as hell so I managed to make myself believe I was actually hots for PersonA. Person B was in love with someone from Boracay, a non-person to my eyes, someone met on the internet. That was, I think, what pushed me to PersonA. I was damn in front of PersonB the whole time and Person B still chose someone he has barely even met! I remembered when PErsonB went to Iloilo to meet the person and I was urging him on, helping him with preparing for the trip, but inside, I was screaming DON’T GO!!!DON’T LEAVE ME!!! Haha. And then, to top it all off, Person B actually had somebody in the wings too. Yup, another one!
So after all the horrendous details and schmoozes, what was left? Howd it go down?
I got burned by PersonA, PErsonB got burned by the two others, and that, my friends, started something between us. We ended up on each other's arms. CAll it science, call it fate, call it whatever you want to call it, but there we were.
Turn out well?( grinning)
It did.
I don’t even know how to describe those months, not without sounding like a puppy-love stricken, dreamy-eyed fool. I was, thought, I guess I couldn’t help it.
What do you do? What do you do when what you’ve been dreaming of, what you’ve been reading in novels, what you’ve been writing about in your poems suddenly happened to you? What do you do when your heart rests in its place, both inside your body, yours, and outside , when it is stored with the other person's, wholly, completely, unconditionally? What do you do when you see happiness, its face, its body, its soul, when you HAVE it, when you have it to KEEP.
I remembered reading NIcholas Spark's The NOtebook when I was 18. Yup, ripe for madness. That book could easily be my favorite read, and my most hated. Depending I guess, always, on the state of my mind and heart. It was like, with PersonB I had found myself in that book and I didn’t want to reach halfway. Halfway was bad. Bad things happened. I wished it could just be beginning and end.
I mention this only because my complete history with love is a virtual list, a who's who of human disasters!
Until PersonB came.
BEst two months of my life.
Let's leave it at that.

track six. SOMETHING TO BE

hey man
I don’t wanna hear about love no more
I don’t wanna talk about how I feel
I don’t really wanna be me no more

dress down now I look a little too boy next door
maybe I should try to find a downtown whore
thatll make me look hardcore
I need you to tell me what to stand for

ive been looking for something
something ive never seen,
we're all looking for something
something to be

hey man
play another one of those heart break songs
tell another story how things go wrong
and they never get back
my pain is a platinum stack,
take that shit back
you don’t wanna be me when it all goes wrong
you don’t wanna see me with the houselights on
im a little too headstrong
stand tall
I don’t wanna get walked on

I cant stand what im starting to be
I cant stand the people that im starting to need
theres so much now that can go wrong
and I don’t need somebody
trying to help it along
it's the same old song
everybody says you’ve been away too long
everybody wanna tell you what went wrong
wanna make you like an icon
till you believe that they're right.

September 2004

A place without family and friends was hard enough. A place with people wanting to be family and friends but insisting on puttinf you onto an already prescribed mold was (and sometimes is) hell.
They all looked at me like some poor soul needing help. In a way, I did. BUt that did not mean I was completely clueless.
Add to that the culture, the people, the language, all so different. I had just finally begun to be more myself back home, living a life I wanted to live. There stemmed the resistance to accepting my fate. I was here, but mind and heart wasn’t. I was still back home.
So I had to retire unto myself, a little bit, I guess who I am was a little too strong for them. Truth is, I could hardly care. That's me. But part of me wanted to do them a favor by holding back a little. Taking it slow. Plus, there was need to be inside of me more than ever.

track 1. THIS IS HOW A HEART BREAKS

don’t you wanna go for a ride
just keep your hands inside
and make the most out of life
now don’t you take it for granted

life is like a mean machine
it made a mess out of me
it left me caught in between
like an angry dream I was stranded

and im steady but im starting to shake
and I don’t know how much more I can take

this is it now
everybody get down
this is all I can take
this is how a heart breaks
you take a hit now, you feel it break down
make you stay wide awake
this is how a heart breaks

don’t you wanna go for a ride
down to the other side
feels so good you could cry
now wont you do what I told you
I remember when you used to be shy
yeah once we were so fine
you and I why you gotta make it so hard on me

and im sorry but its not a mistake
and im running but youre getting away

youre not the best thing that I knew
never was never cared too much for all this hanging around
its just the same thing all the time
never get what I want
never get too close to the end of the line
youre just the same thing that I knew back before the time
when I was only for you

October 2004

The song really tells it.
Heartbreak came and I folded into anger and indifference.
And trust me, this was my first real heartbreak. ON account that this was my one of the only real love ive ever had and that I did not do the breaking.
It didn’t have to be as bad as it went down, but I guess opposing forces really does create an explosion. The opposing force was me.
I was flinging things.
I was screaming names.
I was cutting myself.
All in silence.
That was how.
Bam.
Bam.
Bam.
Broken.

track 4. I AM AN ILLUSION

take this confusion
runnin round my head
take back my unkind words
lay that weight on me instead
im theplace where everything turns sour
where you gonna run to now

wrong step
we got off track
we need someone to help us get back now
worn thin
awful state I was in
I believe I was losing me now I'm found,
im found
I am the damage
I am the relief
sometimes im people
I never hoped that I would be
if I take in whatever they turn out
whats that gonna make me now
don’t you understand

im not real anymore
I am an illusion

November 2004

Part of trying to forget is trying to be forgotten.
Trying to be invisible.
Even from myself.

track 5. WHEN THE HEARTACHES END

I guess I didn’t mention that PErsonA and PersonB were bestfriends. Only two of nine marvellously inexplicably indispensible people in my life.
MOre like family, blood, than friends. Fortune has blessed me the one real love I would ever have and eight more!!!
I would never have gotten through all of it without them. I wouldn’t have.
The DOlgers came through, of course, minus one, as Person B chose to stay hidden from our sights for some time. The group missing one was enough to break my heart even more. I was actually kind of thankful that someone else in the group would have to play anchor, I wasn’t in the best state and in the same country to do an efficient job!!! Still, I had enough faith to belive that the love would never fade, maybe even come back. I had even more faith that the friendships would be restored.

track 2. LONELY NO MORE

now it seems to me
that you know just what to say
but words are only words
can you show me something else
can you swear to me
that youll always be this way
show me how you feel
more than ever, baby

I don’t wanna be lonely no more
I don’t wanna have to pay for this
I don’t wanna know the lover at my door
is just another heartbreak on my list
I don’t wanna be angry no more
but you know I could never stand for this
so when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore

it's hard for me
with my heart still on the mend
open up to me
like you do your girlfriends
you sing to me
and it's harmony
girl what you do t ome is everything
make me say anything
just to get you back again
why cant we just try

what if I was good to you
what if you were good to me
what if I could hold you
till I feel you move inside of me
what if it was paradise
what if we were symphonies
what if I gave all my life to
find some way to stand beside you

December 2004

Fun is fun, yes.
For awhile I doubted my capacity to have fun, to entertain the thought of enjoying and losing myself. And yes, there came the inevitable time when someone expressed interest in me.
Just the thought of love was enough to make me hurl. I guess I was just in a rut.
I didn’t want to be lonely, no. BUt I didn’t know how to be happy either.
It was a long, long long…winter.

track eight. PROBLEM GIRL

don’t let them get where theyre going to
you know theyre only what they think of you
you heard of this emotional trickery
and you felt like you were learning the ropes
but where youre going now, you don’t know

and when the kids on the street say
whats your problem girl
and the weight of their smile's
just too much for you to bear
and when they all make you feel
like youre a problem girl
remember
youre no problem at all
youre no problem at all

pride like promises can let you down
you thought that youd be feeling better by now
you worry about the things they could do to you
you worry about the things you could say
maybe youre seeing things the wrong way.

try
if you stand or fall
youre no problem at all

JANUARY 2005

The year started well enough.
Things were looking up.
Family was a constant adrenaline rush. And friends back home and friends here helped me go through each day.
I began to entertain the thought of actually rejoining the human race.

track 7. ALL THAT I AM

I am the one winged bird for flying
sinking quickly to the ground
see your faith in me subsiding
see you prime for giving in
I give you all that I am

I am the sound of love's arriving
echoed softly on the sand
lay your head upon my shoulder
lay your had within my hand
I give you all that I am

and I breathe when you breathe
let me stand where you stand
with all that I am

I amthe white dove for a soldier
ever marching as to war
I would give my life to save you
I stand guarding at your door.
I give you all that I am

and I breathe when you breathe
let me stand where you stand
with all that I am

APRIL 2005

Turning twenty four certainly was something. There was no party, no music, no nothing. There was only me getting back on my own two feet. Call it a rebirth. IT certainly felt like one. There were things about myself I found out and learned and accepted and made peace with.

track 10. MY, MY, MY

the light from the window is fading
you turn on the night
the sound from the avenue's calling you
open your eyes

and when you find
youre spending your time
wanting for words
but never speak
you tell yourself
that the things you need come slow
but inside you just don’t know

my, my, my
¬let your bright line shine
let your words live on
far beyond this life
beyond this life

hold on to anything
everythings over and done
has the fear taken over you
tell me
is that what you want
to make up your life

time after time
youre falling behind
hold on to me
never leave
forever be what you mean to me right now
don’t you feel better now

JUNE 12, 2005

HOurs. Days. MOnths.
They all passed.
They saw me and heard me, felt me.
At that exact day, that exact hour, so close to the same fated date of the past year and all it implied, this song could just as well be playing in the background as I made that phone call.
I could BE the phone conversation itself.
That day, I talked to Person B for the first time since parting mails were exchanged. I made peace with him. I made peace with TIME. And Fate. And more than anything and anyone else, I made peace with myself.
It's different from telling myself, before this said day, that I was okay. It was no less real. BUt it is felt deeper when you hear the other person's voice and know you truly truly are okay, and that what is left is a sweet echo of everything positive, including hope, for the lost friendship.
Putting things behind you is no way to move on. Making peace is not about forgetting.
It's about putting things on your path, so you can see, and remember, and never forget.
I did. I did remember and I remembered with laughter and love.
Hope springs, it always does. For myself, for the person I will become.
It almost played like a crappy teen show, one of those dealing with not so teen and mind-opening stuff. In the end of one particulary heartbreakingly sweet episode, an even more heartbreakingly sweet song would be played as a main character walks alone along an empty street and then snow starts to fall, the character looks up and smiles. Fade out. Or two characters, friends or lovers, sit by the shores of the sea or the banks of a river, one cradled in the other's arms. (I would like to include a somewhat unusual setting, in the cemetery, where old lovers rest in the comfort of eternal and profound affection.) Fade out.
SAPPY, I know.
BUt that’s what it was.
An end worthy pf a manuscript. Inner peace never sounded so cool.

It’s the cost of living.
It's life.
-rt

track 11. STREETCORNER SYMPHONY

it's morning
I wake up
the taste of summer sweetness on my mind
it’s a clear day in this city
let's go dance under the street lights
all the people in this world
let's come together
more than ever
I can feel it
can you feel it

come on over
down to the corner
my sisters and brothers of every different color
cant you feel that sunshine telling you to hold tight
things will be alright
try to find a better life
come on over
down to the corner
my sisters and brothers, there for one another
come on over
man I know you wanna let yourself go

some people
it's a pity
they go all their lives and never know
how to love or to let love go
but it's alright now
we'll make it through this somehow
and we'll paint the perfect picture
all t he colors of this world will run together
more than ever
I can feel it, can you feel it
we may never find our reason to shine
but here and now this is our time
and I may never find the meaning of life
but for this moment I am fine

JUNE 13, 2005

The start of better days.
After such a fin, after such an ending, the next day just had to start better. And so it did.
As do more morning, I know, will.

track 12. NOW COMES THE NIGHT

when the hour is upon us
and our beauty surely gone
no you will not be forgotten
no you will not be alone

and when the day has all but ended
and our echo starts to fade
no you will not be alone then
and you will not be afraid
no you will not be afraid

when the fog has finally lifted
from my cold and tired brow
no I will not leave you crying
and I will not let you down
I will not let you down

now comes the night
feel it fading away
and the sould underneath
is it all that remains
so just slide over here
leave your fear in the fray
let us hold to each other
till the end of our days

2005

It's like when I look at old photographs of people who have gone, I wonder who they were, what they did, who they loved, who loved them.
It's like when I look at old photographs of people now of age, I see their past, I wonder, if their younger versions could recognize them now, if they would know who theyd turn out to be.
It's like when I stare at the mirror.
I stare, I stare, I stare.

will it be my end?

I do not know if life stil has love in its plans for me, if in the end, there would be someone I will walk the autumn afternoons with, I really don’t want to thing too much about it.
everything that has happened, it all taught me only one thig. the p;ower of hope.
And now I look at everything that will still happen with much amusement.
And it is with hope that I cast this:
Apart from my family, there are friends, there are nine people I would want to enjoy years and years with.
With these people, in the safety of their love, I know I can never be truly forgotten.
For someone whose own mortality is ever visible and other thought of, this song could be an anthem. I do not think it my curse to always see my life and see my end, I see it as a gift. My own inevitable death brings me closer to life.
I am able to live life fuller and be fearless doing it.

Thursday.
Just an ordinary day.
I walked out with ROb Thomas' Something to be.
I put it on the discman as I walked the streets, mindless to the million other people in milano. My whole past year was being sung by my myth. The ordinary day , I knew, would lead to a long, long, night.

I write this for family, those who'll read it, for them to see. how I was, how I am.
I write this for the dolgers to thank them for getting m e through some of the toughtest months ive ever experienced.
I write this for PersonA who is and ever, a dream.
And also for PersonB. Words, I know. Always between us, words and more words. I stand by what I said and wrote. Thanks for the new laughs, everything to remember.
I hope the gray area has become clearer somewhat.
But I write this mostly for myself.
To take the words out of mind and commit them to heart instead.

Only way to be.
Only way to be.

written 15june05
an hour at dawn with Earl grey tea, sugar and lemon, and tonic.

2005-06-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

Dear old new friend,

It might begin with a poem, a long search for the strange little boy.
And so it goes-

Where have you been, strange
little boy , where have you
taken my words,
you left an empty
hole where my heart
used to beat
and I could not find
my way to Emerald City...

...I come to see you, I come
to know, there are things of old,
and things quite new,
strange little boy,
with your quiet wit and your
laughing strangeness,
i see,
i will find,
where you have gone,
where I have gone,
when the ruby red slippers
might lead
us
home.

From Yellow Brick Roads, ccg, 12vi05

Or with another poem. It is more a poem of brackets and spaces, leading us both in the world of Sappho and her lyres. The written words themselves lost behind the power of things unsaid and the things said in between.

]
] words, old words
] and blackened books
]
]
] a letter , or was it
]
] not of your hand,
]
] but your sword struck
]
]
]
] things past, are
] to which, forgot by time
]
] where I
] entombed
]
] stitches and stitches of
] back in circles
] where seasons
] all four
]
]
] still, breathes
] gives us back
] to an old prayer
]
]
]
] and
]
] end
]
] shall never end
] begin
] anew.

POEM XIIVI.V , ccg, 12vi05

It could begin with a letter, long since written, read once, set aside in a box of treasures, never sent, never set free.

Or the seasons could dictate where beginning shall be found. I left autumn, winter passed, as did spring, to bring me here on summer's knees, a circle, a path fully trodden, to bring me back to a place where many roads begin and no ends could yet be seen by my eyes.

"L'autunno calmed my resisting blood. I am where I am. The left are left. "
from FOUR SEASONS, ccg, 12vi05

It could also be a myriad of phrases and lines; of names such as Fearless and silver-blue; of passages, as Passion, and how without it, we would be "empty rooms, shuttered and dank” ; of time and street corners where werewolves would be glimpsed at by witches.

Or it could also begin with a legend. Two mages against the evils of Men:

A shriek.

A thunderous flapping of silver wings and violent wind. Algiz rose from the shuddering cliffs of the Hidden Mountains, far beyond the reaches of any creature borne of air. The mage-dragon knew had it not been impossible for the other to use his magicks upon and against him, he would be back where he was and unable to flee into the West, where there still is peace and old powers in the soft earth to protect them and all of the old ones.

Algiz felt hot air from the flaming sun. He could not do it. He could not fly away. His now reptilean gaze fell on him. There on the ground, was his brother, his friend, his heart, and he knew what it was. They were two. And one. They were only them now, of their kind, left in the East, and he has chosen to leave these aching lands.

No magicks known and unknown can sway the storm within him.

From below the skies, URUZ watched Algiz, frozen it would seem. Frozen in time, he knows, could not be. In hesitation, he hopes instead. Do not flee from the fight, he pleads to the air. Do not flee from me.

There was a roar.

Uruz would remember it for as long as he has breath. Unbeknowst to him, the same roar would be heard ages from that moment, a roar not of grief, but one of faltering life and sacrifice in his name.

And then, the winds stopped still.

It was silent.

Atop the Hidden Mountains, Uruz could be seen staring at an empty sky.

from URUZ and ALGIZ: legend of two wizards, ccg, 12vi05

All things written. In the flash of two hours. No longer was fear heeded, only instincts, where blood commanded words . But in the end, or shall we say, here now in the beginning, they would all serve little purpose.

It was a sunday afternoon. And it was a sunday evening. Two houses could be seen. Inside the first, three young men slept a half-sleep of stress, of camaraderie, of welcome intrusions while another young man spoke on the phone his long-lost voice. At the same exact moments, an almost empty house played host to a dispatched warrior who lets down his red sword and submits to long-uncried tears of peace amid peals of laughter and throbbing silence.

And so, I begin with this:

I carry with me all the years, I carry with me the months. I carry with me the hands and crowns and the cuts and bruises and the joy and the love. All these cannot be taken away.
And you do not know me anymore. And yet, you always will. As I, you.
We are the same and we are different.
And as I began, Dear old new friend, I present myself to you now. barefoot, barenaked, bare.

My name is Cris.
Molto piacere.

fin.

2005-06-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

i stand under the rain
and my skin shall burn and dry.

written 7xii04

and the slow utterance of your name

2005-06-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

breathes, it sits
atop worded desires
atop the forgetting
of mist and dreams,
the Muses come
to collect
tulips and irises,
and I,
awakened
by a whisper
from miles away,
hearts whisper, they
call out names
and so the silver-diamond chains
invisible to th naked eye,
in a slow parade of much changed shine,

and the slow
utterance of your
name,

where to my tongue, it
was lost, come back now
with its sweet taste

chain after chain,
they would slither past time,

only connect
estranged souls,
blood and friends,

to breathe
the free and the fresh
once more.

15iv05

inside this box
of air
i fade.

10xii04

There are many things i write that dont make it to my blog. The are the more private, the more intimate to me. And though i iknow there comes a time when they all will share space with the others, i am content for now, with their being safely kept but from my eyes.
These poems are two of them. Two of those that bear significant change, two of those that only comes once in a breath, to this poor poor poet.

death of an ant

2005-06-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

and to the eyes

he tears the balls

within, without

and to the ears

inhuman screams,

from the dark pit of his being,

and to the tongue,

dirt and soil,

and to the heart

the man called the beast

he desired evil to seep out his skin

to rage

to beat

yes, to end life.

but he could not.

he killed the ant,

instead.

19viii04

2005-06-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

BROTHERHOOD.
As a kid, I had wanted to play basketball. I did. It had seemed fun, and a good way to build strong camaraderie. Brotherhood. But I always felt like it was a game you could not learn in p.e. class or by yourself. I thought it was a game learned from fathers, from brothers and from best friends.
My father, to my memory, did not play basketball. I know he had, as a young man, but in my years as his little kid, I never saw him do so. My brother did, in high school , with his friends. And then of course, there is barok, one of my bestfriends, who just happened to be a varsity player in the high school basketball team.
And then, some people ask me if I ever entered fraternities, I say no. I was asked by some college buds to tryout along with them, to sign as a pledge, but I didn’t.
And so, basketball and fraternity allegiances are alien things to me.
But I still know the meaning of a bond akin to what drives them, these things.
I HAVE a brother.
We are not close.
He has my mother’s side’s filipinocelebs-in-sampaguita film-days- good looks, something he got from our grandfather.
I have my father’s side’s silent and unaasuming, surprisingly striking manners.
He got math.
I got english.
He got the mechanical side of the brain down.
I got the creative.
He got the slim, basketball player’s body.
I got the bulky, tennis acer’s one. (hehe. Seems I got the ego too.)
I can cite some pretty nasty fights we’ve had as kids. Chases that include the use of bamboo sticks, cutters and even cement blocks.
Then, as we grew older,silence became the sea.
It parted us in some ways and though both never truly ignored the other, it was there.
What, I have no idea.
Maybe in later years, we will know.
But here’s the thing.
He IS MY BROTHER.
And I love him.
There is a saying about family that they are the only people you can never know and yet love unconditionally.
In my case, in our case,it is true. For now.
There will come a time when I will know him. Mabe I already do, and that’s why I have all the patience for him. I have come to accept him and take him for what he is.
There is no shape to it, no symbol needed to bear witness to its sincerity.
Brotherhood is brotherhood.
Profound.
But simple.
Hapybyrtday, bro! Cincin!

KARMA AND FAIRY WINGS

2005-06-12T03:37:00.000-07:00

they danced
and swirled
on fairy toes
their hips, limber and strong,
pounded with the drumming,
throbbing, beating,
bones and flesh,
in skinny jeans and cut-off shirts,
they stood out like stars,
newborn and uncaring,
on coals, blackened
and thickened by
the grinding force of age.

they jumped
and twirled,
with fairy wings,
their eyes, agleam with laughter,
free is the night,
burning, burning,
bones and flesh,
their bodies, their flesh,
their blood, their flesh
flesh bared out
for them all to prey upon,
they are young and uncaring,
unaware of the cuts,
the wounds, the scratches,
they will bleed, yes.
they will bleed.
they flew and flew
rising higher and higher,
until their fairy wings
grew tired,
and fairy toes forgot
the touch of ground,

higher still
higher and higher –

the rest all stared,
sadness and hunger stirring in their veins
as they waited
for the fairy wings to break,
and their inevitable fall.

2005-05-19T08:50:00.001-07:00

THE WHISTLER
Whistled.
He was a man of spikes,
Slash, rip, tear. They jutted
Out from him, pointed bones
And cracked skin, IN the air,
Was blood, all yellow, orange and red
Black-wine, like tar, curdled
By the retreating cold
And approaching dark.
There is that space, a hole
In the dusking sun,
The forest begins to fade
To its past now long gone,
The sun sets, air stiffens, the trees
they stir.
He has not written for weeks,
Dead-alive, his breath is caught
On the stringing of words,
His body, is tight, it is sex,
Wanting to rage, a fire
Yearning to flame.
There is a storm in his eyes,
The body uncoils,he treads on,
The night awaits, the words they wake.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Tonight it will form,
Mist coming from the forest spaces,
Collecting unto itself.
Like mist seeping into hidden places,
This poem, it shall be made.
He whistled.
Past the trees, he caught their eyes,
He calls them, names them.
They are ancient, they are young.
They are thirsty and stare!
They are whittled, withered, with end,
With end, with –
End, such force, for they are
Aching trees, full of life underneath.
Their snakelike and scaly bodies,
The tales all stored, fit to tell
To children come to climb
And bonfires where, to wit,
Will end.
His poem, he casts upon the silence,
And the forest-greens, ‘and the breaths of night,
Clamouring to steal
His first word.
18ii05

2005-05-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

UNGOVERNED LUNACY
Awake till dawn/my eyes are glinting/ the dark blinds and hurts me/ up the music, trash the silence/ laughter rips in my ears/I paint the walls pure,pure white/I walk on tilted stilts/I take a bath every hour/wash away the filth./and there are screams and there are cries/a lot of truths and manymore lies/inside my head, thismonster breathes/ and through my mouth, thismonster speaks/are they just words/ are they just faces/imagines places ive never been/help me find my way back/is there no end, no stopping this./will it always just be/ all the screams and all the cries/ a lot of truths and f^%$^n’ lies/inside my head, this monster breathes/and through my mouth this monster speaks/it repeats/ insists/persists/ exists/because of me/ will they come to know/ my ungiverned lunacy/ is my only/ my final / sanity./and faded screams and covered cries/the things you tell me all are lies/inside my heart this monster breathes/inside my soul this monster feeds/
Written by cris and angel and pen
*CW REcords

ONCE AN ANGEL
Show me the bones/ where once they all were/silver, light as fairy silk/the merest touch a shiver/hide the feathers/don’t let them see/ how blood-stained they’ve gotten/don’t let me realize how have strayed/into someplace too far/heights forbidden to me now/the ground is where I walk upon/the air you breathe I breathe/I choke/and here the hours linger/someday the heavens will open up/and call out my name/the singing shall never stop/until im home again/no matter how high I reach/the truth will bring me down/once an angel was who I am/but my wings are now all gone/ I asked the gods/for one more chance/ I pleaded on my knees/ and cried tears I never knew I could/ take all my pain and fears/ someday the heavens will open up/ and tell me where to go/the whispers then shall lead me back/ the path ill come to know/once an angel/who I was/who I am/who I am/ show me the bones/my wings/ my silver,crimson wings.
Written by cris and angel and pen
*CW Records

something stirs

2005-05-15T04:48:00.000-07:00

something stirs in the calm west...

2005-05-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

hello